The Kids Are All Right
by Silverneko9lives0
Summary: After arriving at Beorn's, one of Gandalf's spells goes awry and Bilbo and Thorin get de-aged into wee!children who do not retain their adult memories. Bilbo is a sweet, adventurous (if not a bit shy around all these dwarves) little thing and Thorin is still a stubborn little block of dwarf. Except he's got a giant puppy crush on Bilbo...rated for language.


~And So It Begins~

"Hold still, both of you!" Gandalf snapped.

Thorin growled, crossing his arms.

Bilbo fidgeted in his seat. "I don't see why I need to be a part of this," Bilbo mumbled. "I wasn't used as a Warg's chew toy."

"But you are clearly more injured then you let on," Gandalf stated. You're moving far too stiffly and your fingers speak for themselves! Now _hold still_ and do not talk."

"You already healed me," Thorin muttered. "I do not need healing."

"That was to keep you from the brink of death," Bilbo sighed, rubbing the back of his head. Thorin grit his teeth at him.

They were hit in a blast of light from Gandalf's staff.

Bilbo and Thorin cried out, pain shooting through their bodies, adding to the pain they already felt from their injuries. They could hear shouting, but it was indistinguishable. And when the pain passed…

Bilbo didn't know where he was. He looked left. Then right.

"Bilbo?"

He looked at the one who spoke. "Mr. Gandalf? Where are we? Where's Mother?"

"Bilbo, how much do you remember?" Gandalf said.

Bilbo tapped his chin. "The last I remember is climbing a tree in East Farthing Wood. Why? Who are all these Dwarves?"

"They're friends," Gandalf assured him.

Bilbo felt a hand beside him and turned to look. Sleeping peacefully was a girl with strait black hair. "Who's she?" he asked them.

Two of the Dwarves burst into laughter.

"That, Little One," the blonde said, "is a boy."

Bilbo blushed. The other boy sat up, rubbing his head.

"Ow. I ache all over. He looked around, eyes settling on Gandalf. "Tharkun, where are we?"

Gandalf shook his head. He sighed. "Bilbo, Thorin, listen closely: you are at a friend of mine's for the time being. We are almost exactly halfway between the Shire and Erebor. And here you will _stay_ while I…sort something out." He turned to the two laughing Dwarves. "Fili, Kili, you two are in charge."

"No one's the boss of me!" Thorin snapped, stomping his foot and scowling angrily. It'd be more threatening if he didn't look so adorable.

"Wait! Gandalf!"

"I command you to give us a straight answer!"

Gandalf frowned and whacked Thorin atop the head. He groaned and clutched his head.

"I'm a prince! You can't hit me like that!"

"I recall hitting you like that many times, Thorin son of Thrain. I will be back when I have answers and not a moment before! Now mind your babysitters."

"Why?" Bilbo asked.

Gandalf sighed and left, muttering about hobbitlings and their impetuous curiosity.

~Thorin the Brat~

"Do you know why we need babysitters?" Bilbo asked Thorin.

"No," he said, staring at Bilbo. A blush creeped up his neck and cheeks to his ears.

"Now, now," the brunette, beardless Dwarf said, smirking.

"You wouldn't want to get in trouble with your babysitters," the blonde replied. Both leered at the children evilly. Bilbo squeaked, running to hide behind the biggest Dwarf he could find, while Thorin scowled and slammed his booted foot into the brunette's shin.

Said brunette cursed and glared at Thorin.

"Fili, I know he's our uncle, but can I shoot him?"

"I don't think that'd be wise, Ki."

Thorin was lifted into another Dwarf's arms and laid across said Dwarf's lap.

"Put me down! Put me—"

_Whack! Whack! Whack!_

He was set down. "Now say you're sorry," the Dwarf said. Thorin rubbed his sore bottom, glaring at the Dwarf, who glared on back. He was scarier than Grandmother on a good day. He turned around and looked at the Dwarf he kicked, trying—and failing—to look remorseful.

He stuck his tongue out and ran before he could be caught again.

"Wow. Uncle's a brat."

"Astounding observation, Fili," Kili snapped, still hobbling on his good leg. "What gave you that idea?"

Bilbo peeked out from behind the big Dwarf.

"Thorin!" Kili shouted. Thorin looked at him. "Why can't you be more like Bilbo?"

~Mud Fight~

Bilbo ran off after Thorin and stepped in a muddy patch. He grinned and picked up some wet earth in his hand. He flung it at Thorin, hitting him in the back of the head and ran.

Thorin spun around, muttering threats.

Bilbo poked his head out from behind the tree, grinning at the young Dwarfling.

Thorin runs after Bilbo, who squeals. Each scoop mud in their hands and fling it at the other. Sometimes they'd miss, other times they'd hit.

Thorin caught Bilbo and tackled him to the ground.

"Ow!" Bilbo shouted, wriggling under Thorin, who seized his hair and pushed his face into the earth, laughing despite Bilbo's screams.

"Thorin!" Fili shouted, pulling him off. Bilbo sniffed while Kili helped him up, wiping the mud off Bilbo's face. "Apologize to Bilbo right now!"

Thorin scowled at Fili. He turned to Bilbo again and the scowl disappeared. He still didn't apologize, but he bowed his head and hid his face in Fili's shoulder, whimpering.

"Okay, okay," Fili said, caving in. "Bath time."

Bilbo gasped and squirmed out of Kili's grasp, running as fast as his feet could go. Kili sighed. "I'll get Bilbo. You take care of Thorin."

~Rub-a-dub-dub~

Kili carried a squirming Bilbo into a bathroom. The cast-iron tub is already filled to the brim in hot bubbly water.

"C'mon! Baths are great, Bilbo."

"I hate baths!" he shouted, failing. "I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!"

"I know. Just this once, though?"

Bilbo stopped flailing. "Okay. But you have to go in with me."

"I can do that." Kili said. He stripped out of his clothes as did Bilbo. Kili stepped in. "Ready Bilbo?" Bilbo grinned. He turned and ran out the door. Kili stared at the door, mortified.

"KILI!" Fili screamed.

Kili jumped out, swearing and wrapping a towel around his waist. He ran out of the room. "Where'd the little…hobbit go?" he asked, noticing a wide eyed Thorin content in being scrubbed in soapy water by Fili. Fili pointed out the other door. Which lead outside…into the yard…

The very BIG yard.

"Cover his ears."

"Why?" Thorin asked, but Fili already had his hands over Thorin's ears.

"Bugger that little shit. I'm going to skewer myself a Hobbit."

"Good luck with that."

Kili grit his teeth and ran out the door. Thorin looked up at Fili. "Is that streaking too?"

"Yes."

"Can I do it?"

"No. You'll thank me later."

"Why?"

~That one awkward moment when the kid's naked and you can't find him~

Kili exited his room, fully dressed and ready to find Bilbo. The problem was, he'd already been looking for several minutes, enlisted the brothers Ri and the Broadbeams for help, and STILL Bilbo had not been found.

Either that kid knew where to hide or he was that sneaky.

Good for an adult burglar. Bad for babysitters. More fun than its worth for a five year old Hobbit.

He found Fili carrying Thorin on his shoulders.

"You still haven't found the little foot-fuzz?" Fili asked.

"He's faster and sneakier than we assumed before. And you're gonna love Thorin's new word."

"Idiot," Thorin said, giggling. Kili glared at Fili.

"Blame Dwalin."

"I will sheer his beard…but first I have to find Bilbo and give him a bath and get him dressed again before he decides it's okay to go out and get dirty again. Remind me never to have children, Fili."

"Okay. Don't have children."

"I found him!" Ori shouted, carrying a blanketed Bilbo to them. Thorin blushed and hid his face in Fili's hair. "You sure you can handle it. I don't mind giving him a bath for you."

"I'll be fine," Kili assured him, taking burrito-Bilbo away from Ori. "Where was he?"

"With the bunnies."

"Of course."

~Bunnies and Puppies~

"Have you seen Thorin?" Fili asked, looking rather haggard. Kili smirked. "Now's not the time to be an…a-hole Ki."

"I have not seen Thorin. I'm busy watching the streaker playing with bunnies," he said, pointing at Bilbo. He had a rabbit on his lap and another curled up beside him. "I see what Beorn was talking about. He's definitely a bunny if ever we were to have a bunny."

"Hobbits aren't really bunnies—there he is!" Fili said, teeth gnashing.

Kili spied Thorin. There was something with floppy ears and a one hundred league a minute tail wagging in his arms. "What's that?"

"He probably found the puppies," Fili sighed, sitting beside his brother.

Bilbo looked at Thorin, then at the dog in Thorin's hands. Bilbo set the bunny down and went to inspect the puppy.

Thorin may be beat red right now, but he looked rather pleased with himself and set the puppy on the ground. The puppy jumped up onto Bilbo, who screamed as he fell back.

An exact five seconds passed before Bilbo began to wail.

"I think Thorin needs to think of better courting gifts," Kili laughed.

Fili shook his head. "It'd be better if he just stopped trying."

~Giants Make Everything Better~

"What is this?!" Beorn shouted when he found Bilbo still crying over the overexcited puppy and Thorin sulking alone in a corner.

Fili decided to explain as simply as he could what had just happened. Beorn hummed.

"So they got turned into cubs."

"Pretty much," Kili sighed.

Beorn approached the two, lifting both in his giant hands. Both boys were small enough to fit comfortably on Beorn's shoulders. The effects of being up so high entranced the boys, chasing away whatever blue moods they were in.

The giant skin changer walked around the field carefully, pointing things out to Thorin and Bilbo out of Fili and Kili's earshot.

"I propose that Beorn should be the new babysitter," Kili said, laying down.

~The Next Day~

Jammed toast flew through the air, landing on the wall. Bilbo sat back up, staring at the cemented slice. He grinned and stuck his tongue out at a rather irate and grumpy Thorin, who in retaliation attempted to douse the hyper hobbitling in milk.

"What happened here?!" Nori asked.

"Thorin's not a morning person, it seems," Kili sighed. He wasn't bothering giving the little gits pleasure in tormenting him today and _certainly_ not this early in the morning.

Fili was trying to keep them somewhat calm, but somehow looked like he was refereeing the fight instead. Bilbo managed to hit Thorin with a rather sticky slice of honey cake, giggling madly when Thorin screamed, at the state of his hair.

"They'll need a bath…"

"They're all yours, Nori," Kili offered. Someone else can chase a naked Bilbo around for once.

~Honey Bunny~

Bilbo and Thorin dived under the table as bees swarmed the room. Dwarves screamed left and right, whacking at the already angry bees.

"Thorin!" Fili roared, once they managed to get the angry bees out of the room. "Bilbo!" The two of them stepped out of their hiding spot, covered head to toe in honey and grinning.

"Not another bath…not again…"

"I swear we were never this bad." Fili assured the group.

"Would you rather I take over for a bit?" Dori asked, lifting the two brats, one under each arm. Kili nodded, close to tears.

~Who Stole from the Cookie Jar?~

"Got it!" Thorin said, nearly falling off the stool he stood on. Bilbo clapped his hands and they each pulled out a cookie.

"I've never seen cookies like this before?" Thorin said, sniffing it. "There's no chocolate."

"It's a snicker doodle. It's all sugar and cinnamon," Bilbo explained.

Thorin took a bite. "I still think it needs chocolate."

"Maybe there's some chocolate up on the counter."

Thorin stood on the stool again, still nibbling at his cookie. "I don't see any. Maybe it's up in the cabinet. I can't reach it."

"Stand on your tippy toes," Bilbo suggested. Thorin did so, reaching as far as he could.

"Still can't reach!"

"Okay, I'll stand on your shoulders, then." Thorin got down, letting Bilbo climb onto his shoulders before getting back up on the stool. Bilbo managed to stand on Thorin's shoulders, despite the stool rocking under their weight.

Bilbo opened the cabinet. "I don't see any chocolate."

"Too bad—WHOA!"

The stool gave way. They fell, screaming, onto the floor. Both gasped, choking for breath. The door burst open just as they regained their voices, screaming from the pain.

"Now, now."

"Come here, lads, don't cry."

"They okay?"

"Had a bit of a tumble from the looks of it."

"Why's the cookie jar on the floor."

"Hmm…"

"What are we to do with them?"

"Nothing. Some lessons are learned the hard way. I've a feeling this one was learned. Right lads?"

Bilbo and Thorin sniffed, nodding. Stools are bad.

~Ori the Awesome~

"Shortie!"

"Meanie!"

"Brat!"

"Girl!"

Thorin winced, pouting.

Fili sighed. "I don't even want to bother."

"You two be nice!" Ori snapped, handing them chalks. "Go draw outside or something. We'll call you when breakfast is ready. _Stay on the porch_."

"Okay," Bilbo said, walking away. Thorin still seemed dejected.

"You don't look like a girl, Thorin," Ori assured him, patting his head. "You like Bilbo, don't you?" Thorin nodded. "Maybe try being a little nicer, then. Hmm?" He nodded again. "Okay. Go draw outside."

Thorin ran after Bilbo. Fili turned to Ori. "How did you do that?"

"I taught Dwarrowlings back in Ered Luin," Ori said. "Sometimes kids get vicious. Those two are actually quite tame. Probably has something to do with them actually being adults…"

"Or maybe they were surprisingly well behaved as kids?"

"Do they seem well behaved to you?"

"No."

"Didn't think so."

~Tree Climbing~

"See!" Bilbo called down from the branch to Thorin. "It's easy!"

"But what if we fall again?"

"That was a stool! Trees are better and they don't topple."

Thorin wasn't convinced. He had seen trees topple many times. Men from Dale often came by to topple trees for their houses and for fire.

But there are no men around, so he figured the tree wasn't about to be toppled any time soon. So he jumped up and latched onto the nearest branch, hoisting himself up and he and Bilbo raced for the top.

At the top, they gazed wide eyed toward a mountain peak rising in the distance. "What's that?" Bilbo asked.

"I bet that's Erebor. That's where I come from."

"Really?! Bilbo shifted around to face the other way. "I guess my home's that way, then. But I don't see it…there's a bunch of mountains in the way."

"You don't live in a mountain?"

"The Shire's a meadow…sort of."

"Bilbo! Thorin!"

"How'd they get up there?!"

"Come down right now before you break your necks!"

~Swimming Lessons~

The day was warm enough to venture into the lake. Bilbo sat on the shore watching the others enjoy the river outside Mr. Beorn's house. He pulled at the grass instead. Kili swam up. "What are you doing, Bilbo? Don't you want to come in?"

Bilbo shook his head. "It's deep."

"No one will let anything bad happen. It's hot today, so why not come in. You can do what Thorin's doing."

Thorin was clinging onto Dwalin's back while the muscular dwarf swum laps. Bilbo gulped, shaking his head.

"We won't go to fast. Would you like to learn instead? It's a good skill to have."

"Hobbits don't go near water. We aren't strong swimmers."

"You don't need to be very strong right now," Kili said, climbing out. "But knowing how, even if you're not strong, will help in the long run."

Bilbo pulled up some more grass. "If you really don't like it, we'll come out. Okay?" He nodded. Kili jumped back in and lifted Bilbo into the water. "Kick your legs. Good. I got you."

"Woohoo!" Thorin shouted, as Dwalin passed them, hitting them with a wave.

"Careful, will you?! Beginner over here!" Kili shouted Bilbo coughed. "You okay?"

"Swallowed water. Didn't know it could taste so bad."

"Salt water does…we usually drink fresh water."

"What's the difference?"

"One has salt in it."

"Oh."

~The End of the Adventure~

"How have they been behaving?"

"Behaving is relative," Dori sighed as Fili and Kili carried the two lads, they were set in chairs before Gandalf.

"Now stay still," Gandalf said. "This should work."

"And if it doesn't?" Balin asked, arms crossed.

"We'll deal with it then." The spell was cast and the lads screamed from the pain…

"Oh, Mahal…"

"Ouch…why are we sorer than…oh…_oh…_" Bilbo hid his face in his hands. "Goddess above!"

"What?" Thorin asked, massaging his neck.

"I bloody streaked around the whole fucking house!"

"So we can swear again!"

"Thank Mahal!"

Gandalf chuckled. "I'm not sure whether to be sorry I missed that or not."

"Shut up!" Bilbo snapped, lowering his hands. His face was bright red. "Oh, Yavanna!"

"Really it could be worse," Thorin mused.

Bilbo nodded. "Indeed it could. Other than the horror of running around naked, I'm still trying to come up with a logical reason for you to have a crush on me."

"I do _not_ have a crush on you!"

"Right, because crushes are beneath you. Let's ignore the time you pushed me in the mud and set a dog on me."

Thorin scowled, cheeks becoming a bright pink and crossing his arms. "I did not set it on you. It jumped. Crybaby."

"Really? Name calling? Are you still five years old?"

"There never has been much of a difference when he's like this," Balin admits.

"Aye," Dwalin agreed.

Thorin directed his scowl at them. He stood. "Goodnight," he spat, marching away. No one spoke again, wincing at the slammed door.

"So Bilbo," Kili said after a while, smirking. "Want more swimming lessons?"

Bilbo sneered, standing. "I know how to swim, Kili. May I add you're a terrible babysitter. Goodnight."

"Is it just me or did the sexual tension just intensify?"

"It's not just you."

"So…"

"Kili. _No_."


End file.
